By Debbie Wentworth Wilson
“Welcome to the club that no one wants to join.” An acquaintance hugged me at the funeral of a mutual friend. My husband had died two weeks before, following a severe illness of several years’ duration. Hers had died in a plane crash several years before. At the fellowship dinner after our mutual friend’s funeral, we sat with two other widows.
The Widows’ Club sits together in church, so you aren’t alone when you come back. It’s rich in hugs, listening, advice, shared tears, and sometimes chicken soup. It’s their advice and example that I want to consider here.
Spend Time with God. I have always admired Anna in Luke 2:36-38 for several reasons. Not knowing how long her life would be, Anna spent time with God. We don’t know whether her husband was older or about her age, whether their marriage was great or otherwise. But Anna did not give up on life when her husband died. She dedicated herself to prayer and fasting in the temple. Near the end of her life, God blessed her by allowing her to look upon the Savior of the World. Can you imagine!!
So, for me, that means getting back to church after being out because of my husband’s illness, reading the Bible, prayer, reading books that help me grow spiritually, finding ways to serve and be a blessing. It’s one step at a time, but it must be a deliberate step. Growing spiritually won’t happen by accident.
Spend Time Serving Others. In Acts 9:36-43, Dorcas spent her time making clothes for the other widows. When she died, their grief was so great that Peter raised her from the death. She still had much to give.
Sometimes we forget in our grief that God has left us here for a reason. We may think that we have nothing left to give, but if we look back on what we did before our spouse’s death, we find skills and abilities that we developed over a lifetime. Perhaps you cooked for a large family, can you serve at a foodbank, at a service that provides food for the elderly, at your church socials? Perhaps you did bookkeeping or accounting, can you help your church or a ministry you love keep track of their funds or get grants? If you’re a knitter or a quilter, what about using that skill for the homeless or single mothers?
When we isolate ourselves in our grief, we shut ourselves off from healing. Tutoring, repairing cars for a widow or single mother, making home repairs for others, babysitting for your grandchildren all allow you to get back into life. Your having something to give improves your outlook about yourself and it serves others. A friend who had been in a nursing home for several years demanded of me why God left her there. I saw her interacting with the staff and pointed out that she was the only Bible that some of them would read. They asked her for advice. They welcomed her kind words and humor. She still had something to give.
When we visited Marie, my husband’s neighbor when he was growing up, she was amazed at the kindness shown by family and friends, but she always was grateful for the kindnesses extended to her. She drew people to her with her words and gratitude. Her arthritis did not allow her to do much for others, but her sweet spirit brightened their day. While we were there, a neighbor stopped on his way home from work to check on who was visiting her from out of state. Her gratitude and kindness was all the pay they needed.
Serving others also helps us socially and emotionally. God made us to need one another. As you meet someone else’s physical, spiritual, social or emotional needs, you are also meeting your own. One of the worst things you can do for yourself is to shut yourself away in your sorrow. You cannot heal by isolating yourself. Be part of the church holiday parties, the family get togethers, the neighborhood Independence Day picnic, the book club at the library.
Take Care of Yourself. Many of us whose loved ones had prolonged illnesses concentrated on meeting their needs. Now, it’s time to take care of our needs. Eat foods that improve your blood sugar level, your blood pressure. Catch up on your health. Check your hearing and your eyesight. Staying physically connected to the world with your senses is one way to combat dementia.
Develop new habits. A friend walks five miles daily with her dog. She’s helping her blood sugar, blood pressure, and her ability to escape dementia by exercising. Exercise also improves mental health, so my friend is fighting depression. Unfortunately, my cats don’t do well on a leash, nor do my knees do well walking, but maybe I can find a water aerobics class or swim in a neighbor’s pool. Evaluate what you can do to improve your health, including your mental health. Then take that step forward.
Build Your Interests and Skills. I admired a beautiful oil painting in Iris’s living room and was amazed to learn that it was her first painting. With the business of raising her home, growing a garden, and homeschooling her children, she stopped painting. How delightful it was to learn that she’s taken it again! After painting, she then sells her artwork at the neighborhood market, getting her out into the public for socializing and blessing others with the beauty she has produced.
Another friend is writing his memoirs about growing up in Nigeria many years ago. A third has become a Master Gardener. A fourth is a prolific knitter.
What skills and hobbies have you had in the past that you can pick up again? Have you wanted to learn something new, such as artwork on the computer, a foreign language or fine cooking? Can you volunteer at the local animal shelter or a Good News club? These types of activities are investments in yourself. They add beauty and knowledge to the world and help you stay emotionally healthy.
The Widows’ Club may not be one we wanted to join, but it need not be the end for us. Like Anna, we may have many years to grow in our relationship with God and to serve Him. Like Dorcas, we may have a chance to make an important difference in the lives of others. We may add beauty to the world like Grandma Moses. And in all of these, we add meaning to our own lives.
